He wont ever understand. I see in that fact, the same essence that troubles me about my dad. But thats not my point at the moment, I lose track of my point so often it seems like I dont have one. My point here is simple in unexpected ways he will never understand. The more he lives his life, 1000 miles away, how I want him to, enjoy himself and not lock himself away out of laziness and poor social skill... The less time and reason he has for me in his life, to bother keeping me there. And if I made him realise this point I know he would make me believe to a certain point I am wrong, but deep down I will know im right even if I eventually forget this point and it ends up another forgotten and invisible (to him) weight on our relationship. We will go on, I feel like any stop we have will be sudden and right even if it is regretful. If he knew the real me, if he knew I wrote things like this, he would either write it off or back away from me and ignore it. Stuff it. chuck it all to hell, this whole world is 80% bullshit for at least the last century. Everyday i learn new things about me and the world, good and terrible, more or less the latter. im 15 years old and speaking like this freaks me out because im quite sure no one else my age would do this. its true im a sheep in a way, like he says, just not the way he thinks I am.
I hear every day, here and there, the people who i once called 'close' sigh in regret and pain, or curse at the unfairness of life, but do nothing more because of one simple fact, life is life. things are what they are and cannot be changed. People have limits and some peoples are more obvious than most would think. I'll play the game of life, at school, at work, at home, and even when im alone and in all honesty on some level, we all do. The 'game' is the name of life, given to it by people who will not except the fact/reality of life. The most common example is a teenage girl or boy, who will have a single deep conversation with an unlikely classmate or enemy or friend, discussing how school is a giant game and it should all stop. Eventually they will or wont realise its not a game, its life in a sad, beautiful, twisted, emotional way. You win some, you lose some. Yin/Yang, Karma, Truth is always better than a lie, emotions run wild, cliche moments, corny lines and saying about romance and life that usually go unnoticed, catagorization, race, religion.. it is all LIFE. 5% of me right now hopes he see's this, 10% wonders what he would do, 35% knows it will be bad if he does because I will be disappointed as his reaction will prove that if there is someone who will make me happy, he isnt it.40% I dont care and 10% of me wonders..wonders if something amazing would happen even if i belive it never will. I know im in love, and I know my entire existance is not about a boy, just like this segment is only mere understanding and curious thoughts put to paper (well screen), but all in all, what I have with this boy is real, even if he forgets that unless he is with me, as do I alot, but when I think about it i just KNOW this is something, even if i never find the words to tell him. Now to publish my deepest thoughts as a 15 year old girl, just starting life and learning the hard lessons, this i can honestly is something you wont get out of any girls my age I know. I love lifes harsh ways of beauty, as much as i love every honest word i have left here for you to read.
xo, wolfwriter.
